Oh my goodness, I've only ever written like 5 blogs and I've missed it so much. Currently it's a cold June gloom day. Ella is napping, and I'm sitting on the couch letting Caleb watch Ratatollie as I tend to some of my "business of life" returning emails, post on Facebook that my phone is broken so don't attempt to reach me, confirm our afternoon playdate, figure out how to attack my nasty, messy home and the once again gigantic mountain of laundry in the garage. It doesn't sound like much at all but it's actually such an incredible day. I'll tell you why.
We have no health insurance. Rofl! Ok so that's not the incredible part but I'm getting there.
My husband has a wonderful, growing career in the tv, film and even video game industry as a sound designer, mixer and composer. As most people know in those industries there is no "full time, consistent" job. He was blessed for several years to work at a post house full time in different capacities and he was able to get health insurance through them. That company sold last year to another company who had these grand ideas but they didn't know what they were doing. As a result they let everyone go (my husband included) and went under. We were allowed to have Cobra insurance for 15- 18 months (and during that time we were working on our private or union health insurance plans). October would have marked what we considered the end of our insurance through Cobra but the other day-June 6th- we received a call stating that as of June 1st we no longer have (had) health insurance. Ahhhh! the good news there is I trust my husband so I knew he would work hard and do everything in his power to make it work.
Last night we had our meeting to review the options he has been researching. Expensive, but not bad, until the worst news. Maternity not included in private unless you pay extra up to and including the moment you conceive. This is incredibly bad news because we want to get pregnant. Not right at this moment but maybe within this year or next, and we are also on an incredibly tight budget. We began our discussion on the pros and cons, the issues, the options. It was a passionate discussion at times. But it was through all of this that I was reminded that I am not in control. That my husband is not in control. Our health insurance doesn't matter, our budget doesn't matter, when I want to get pregnant doesn't matter. God is in control. Now this isn't to say that I can be irresponsible with my money, or have tons of fun (wink wink) with my hubby and expect that God will just fix it all in one magical moment. We'll get amazing health insurance, then get pregnant right at the choice time. No it doesn't mean that at all. What God being in control means to me is that whatever happens, pregnant or not, insurance or not God can meet us where we are if we let him. If we continue to be faithful, work hard and pave the path God has made for us. If we continue to seek Him in everything we do our eyes can be opened to what he is doing.
On top of this, this event also reminded me that I don't deserve anything. I got far more than I deserved when Jesus died for me. In the midst of my conversation last night with my husband I glanced around his sad office. I call it sad cause I complain about it a lot. My husband deserves more I think. A real nice studio, great equipment yadda yadda yadda. But I see our wedding picture on his desk and think about the fact that we have each other and this amazing love and I know so many who long for companionship. That we already have two beautiful children asleep in there beds when I have friend desperately struggling with the heartbreak of infertility. That we ate well today when there so many who just want a glass of clean water. That we work towards our passions everyday when people everywhere struggle to even know what moves them. So to me, in that moment, I remembered how much I have and how much of that I don't deserve. So yes, while I know it's smart and important to have the proper health insurance I refuse to let it take me down. I believe that God is in control. I believe he is present and I can choose to find him in each moment of my life, even the hard, dark moments. Maybe His plan is just our two children for us. Or maybe I'll get pregnant with quadruplets with no health insurance! (Ummmm please no) either way I will choose to praise Him for trusting us with whatever it is he is giving us. Cause we already have so much.
When I woke this morning I read Mark 14,15,& 16. (yes i read the bible. Some of you may not think anything of it, and others may think I am extraordinarily weird for doing it at all. I, for most of my life fell into the latter. In fact around the time I first met my now husband I saw him carrying a bible and laughed at him. I had no idea people read the bible for enjoyment or guidance.) These just happen to be the chapters stating the accounts leading up to Christ's betrayal, his death and his resurrection. In the moment I realized what I was reading I felt like God was there encouraging me, saying "you were right, you don't need anything else, I've got this, I've got you!"
And that's why it's incredible! Because even with such bad news, God can show me that nothing else matters. That he will take care of us, and fill me with a peace that is beyond what I am capable of!
I know today's blog was maybe a little intense. I appreciate you reading. I know faith can be a dicey thing to talk about. My disclaimer is that whether you agree with me or not that's okay by me. If you have questions, that's okay too. Again I appreciate you giving me a place to share my heart!
