Celebrate

Ok so I can't write without mentioning the recent breaking news (about 1 hour old as of this writing) of Osama bin Laden. It's hard for me to express my feelings about this cause I'll keep it short. Disbelief, oddly sad, uncertainty, unsafe, relief, scared. So many things that I have no control over so to the best of my ability I will move on to other happier lighter subjects because dwelling on all of it for my personality will do more harm than good.

So, in our family vlog we mentioned that I like to get out of the house when I'm sick. Probably not usually the norm for most but I have learned through much experience that being in the same 4 walls for extended periods of time is for me, aaaa...notta so guuda. I used to struggle with significant depression (as if any level of depression is not significant). In short when I was not being who I was created to be and do (or strive to do) what I was created to do it would result in me feeling worthless (shocker) and I ended up almost ending everything. It was a lot that got me there and if one day one of you shows any interest in
hearing more (for the purpose of learning and/or growing) maybe I'll share someday. But what I'll say is those moments lead me to live the way I do today. One of those ways is knowing I gotta get out when I've been in too long. another way is acknowledging in moments what I'm feeling, where that feeling comes from and then walking forward through that feeling in courage, through God's strength.

I embrace the days (about 99% of the time, during that 1% you'll usually find me on the phone with my sister trying to figure out what's really wrong with me and where the root of all my problems lies, lol) I enjoy it, the good the bad, and the super smelly, ugly poo poo days. Why because they are mine. No one else's. God gave me these days. I choose these days and I want to get the most out of them. So now when it's my birthday I don't cower anymore and say "I hate my birthday" to be modest or because I'm embarassed, sure sometimes my birthday will seem uneventful, and yes sometimes i am embarrassed, but hey it's still MY birthday. I didn't jump. I'm not sitting in a dark room. I see blue sky and feel the wind on my face. Every time I feel someone's touch (a feeling I once went months without{devastating, I don't recommend}) embracing my children, kissing my husband, seeing a smile spread across someone's face (especially my kids or husband) or hear the sweet sound of laughter my soul is filled with
the knowledge that this moment, this time in my life is a gift and it's mine for the taking.

I mention birthday specifically because I've noticed an epidemic of birthday haters lately. Myself included. Since I chose to live I have enjoyed my birthday. Last year was a milestone birthday for me. A big one. Yet we were on the tightest budget (watch Our Debt Free Journey vlog) and realized we couldn't have the big party I've been dreaming of and planning for probably a decade (I am a {retired} certified bridal consultant and event planner so you can see how incredibly important for me this was). I shed a tear-literally one. It was my Oscar moment that rivaled Demi Moore in that scene in ghost- and set out to have a small potluck breakfast with just my family. But my mom said she didn't want to be there due to a certain guest's RSVP to come. "WAHHHHH! Why me? It's always myyyy birthday, no one loves me, I hate my birthday" ( this moment for sure fit into the 1%, and yes I was on the phone with my sister) that conversation with her helped me regain sanity, see what's important and remember my love of life and the power we have been given to choose to make memories good or bad. My birthday last year was wonderful, warm, and memorable. It was that because that's what I choose it to be. I believe we have so much untapped power. We also have the ability to take responsible for our own lives. The life you are living now is not because of anyone else.

Life is beautiful if you choose to see the beauty.

Thanks for reading friends!